Helping Kids & Teens Cope After a School Shooting

Reactions to traumatic events will vary based on several factors, including age, exposure, and individual circumstances, such as being injured during the shooting, or loss of friends or acquaintances. Keep in mind that kids and teens (just like adults) can have reactions to a school shooting even if it wasn’t at their school or they didn’t experience it directly.

Some common reactions to school shootings include:

• Fear about safety for self and others
• Difficulty focusing
• Worrying about another shooting happening
• Withdrawing from people or activities they typically enjoy
• Physical complaints (e.g., stomachaches or headaches)
• Changes in eating or sleeping habits
• Irritability or feeling “on edge”
• Being jumpy, easily startled or always looking out for danger
• Constantly talking about the shooting or not talking about it at all
• Avoiding people, places or things that remind them of the shooting
• Engaging in risky behavior
• Acting clingier or showing fear of separation
• Regression or loss of skills (e.g., a potty-trained child may start having accidents again or a child who was starting to be more independent might become hesitant)

Kids don’t always have the language to tell us what they’re feeling, so they show us through behavior. That’s why it's important to pay attention and respond with curiosity and compassion. Consider the following scenarios.

The quiet child

If you’re talking to your child and they’re not responding, it would be natural for you to assume they’re intentionally ignoring you. But, after a traumatic experience, it’s normal and common to experience intrusive thoughts. So your child may be thinking about what happened even though they don’t want to, which can make it hard to focus.

The hesitant child

If your child suddenly seems resistant to a certain activity, it may be because they’re avoiding something that reminds them of the experience.

The child who is “fine”

This can be tricky. It’s possible your child is truly doing OK, but it’s also possible they’re pushing down their feelings. Some kids may even become overly productive and busy to distract themselves and avoid dealing with what happened.

No matter the type of behaviors a child is showing after a traumatic event, it’s important to pay attention and lead with curiosity (rather than becoming frustrated with what we see on the surface). It’s also important to check in regularly about how they’re feeling because their feelings can (and likely will) change from one moment to the next.

It’s impossible to shield kids from everything that’s scary or stressful. Your role is to teach them how to navigate challenges and help them cope in healthy ways. We won’t have all the answers and it’s not our job to fix their feelings. We just need to be in it with them so they’re not left to figure it out alone.

If your child is very young (think: toddler or preschooler) and they aren’t aware of what’s going on, there’s likely no need to bring it up as it may cause unnecessary fear. However, if your child is likely to hear about the shooting from friends, at school, on the bus or on social media, it’s important to bring it up.

Before you can talk with kids about a difficult topic, it’s important to acknowledge your own feelings. It’s normal to experience a range of emotions—anxiety, sadness, anger, overwhelm. All of it is normal and OK. Give yourself permission to feel it, name it, and express it. Take a moment to sit in silence, journal, take a walk, or talk with a trusted friend or loved one about how this is affecting you. Taking this step will allow you to go into the conversation with your child calmer and more focused.

Why it’s important to have a conversation

The best way to start helping kids with challenges like a school shooting is to start a conversation. When you start the conversation, you:

• Show them you can handle it. If you’re silent, you indirectly send the message that some things are too big or scary to even speak about.
• Get an opportunity to correct any misinformation. If you don’t talk about it, they’re left to figure things out on their own or get information from untrustworthy sources.
• Establish a healthy foundation for communication. When things are scary, confusing or overwhelming, we want kids and teens to know they can come toward us, not move away from us.

• Ask your child what they know. Find out what they’ve already heard so you can start there and let them guide the conversation.
• Actively listen so you can understand what’s on their mind, what is concerning to them and what questions they might have. Put aways distractions, make eye contact and reflect back what you hear to let them know you’re listening and to check for clarity. Encourage them to share more by saying, “Tell me more about that.”
• Answer questions in a developmentally appropriate way. Listen for any misinformation and gently correct it once they are done sharing. When providing information or answering questions, use language that is clear, simple and developmentally appropriate. Stick to the facts and avoid any unnecessary or graphic details.
• Don’t force it. If your child doesn’t want to talk, don’t push it. Try another day or another way to engage them. Let them know you’re there whenever they have questions or want to talk. Of course, you won’t always have the answers (and it’s OK to say that). But knowing you’re there can help them feel less alone.

• Name feelings. Sometimes we’re hesitant to name and express feelings because we’re worried it’ll make it worse, but it’s the first step in managing big emotions. You can use lots of strategies to help kids name and express feelings, such as feelings charts and other visuals.
• Validate their feelings without minimizing or dismissing them. Kids may experience a range of feelings—fear, sadness, anger, confusion or guilt. Reassure them that their feelings are valid and make sense. For example, “It makes sense to feel fearful after a scary experience. These feelings are temporary and won’t last forever, and I’m going to be here with you throughout all of it.” Sometimes survivors may experience grief. They may even feel a sense of guilt. If your child is expressing this, it’s important to let them know that’s a common response; however, there was nothing they could have done differently, nor is any of it their fault.
• Be honest. When people we care about are suffering, it’s tempting to swoop in with statements to try to make them feel better. But be careful not to lie or make guarantees about things you can’t be certain of. Instead of saying, “You’re safe. That will never happen here!” you might say, “I can’t promise it will never happen in our community, but I can tell you that I and other adults are doing everything we can to keep you safe.” Allow them to ask questions and share specific concerns, then discuss concrete ways they can stay safe at home, in the community and at school. Discuss family safety plans and educate them about how to identify helpers if you’re not with them.
• Discuss active shooter drills. Explain that even though active shooter drills can be scary, they’re put in place to help prepare staff and students. You might say something like, “Just like you practice fire drills to stay safe, you have drills to practice what to do if there is ever a person who tries to hurt others. It's rare, but your school wants to make sure you’re prepared and know what to do to stay safe. The more we practice something the more likely we’ll be to remember what to do if it happens. It’s normal to feel uneasy about this and it’s OK to share your feelings with your teacher or ask questions.”
• Be patient. It’s natural for kids to struggle after a traumatic, stressful experience. They won’t always have the words to express their feelings or needs directly, so it’s important to respond with curiosity instead of punishment and blame. Try to understand what they’re communicating and what the underlying need is. Do your best to respond with compassion and patience (this is important not just for them, but for ourselves, too).

• Maintain routines to create predictability, comfort and security. This is especially important during times of uncertainty and stress, allowing us to focus on small things we can control. Try to maintain at least a few basic routines to put their mind at ease (e.g., maintaining the same dinner and bedtime routines).
• Limit media exposure. Constant notifications and reminders of the shooting can leave us on high alert or keep us in a steady state of fear. Even if we think kids aren’t listening, they may hear what’s on the TV, radio, our phones, etc. That’s why it’s important for the entire family to set limits when it comes to media. We can stay informed without always being consumed by it. At a minimum, try to keep meals and bedtime screen-free.
• Teach and practice healthy coping skills. Teach a variety of healthy coping skills and model healthy habits by practicing them with the entire family.
• Practice strategies to regularly to manage stress, such as getting enough quality sleep, being active, staying hydrated and eating balanced meals and snacks.
• Practice skills you can use to help manage big emotions in the moment, such as deep breathing, progressive muscle relaxation, guided imagery or grounding exercises. Grounding exercises can be particularly helpful if your child is experiencing intrusive thoughts or reminders about the shooting. For example, hearing a loud noise may make them fearful. You can acknowledge that this is normal after a scary experience and help them use their senses to focus on the present moment, while reminding them that they are now safe.
• Make time for connection and fun. It may feel inappropriate to experience joy when ourselves or others are grieving or suffering, but we need breaks from feeling the heaviness of it all. Taking time to laugh, play and connect with others can be especially helpful for coping and healing.
• Reduce avoidable stress. Avoid adding any unnecessary stressors or making or making any big changes during this time. Of course, some things are unavoidable, but if something can wait, it’s OK to put it off until things have calmed down. This models an important message for kids: We can’t avoid painful experiences, but we can reduce the amount of suffering.

It's normal to have a reaction to a traumatic event. Many kids and teens will show some signs of stress, however, for most it will only last for days or weeks. Some kids may need extra help if their symptoms are lasting for longer than that or if their symptoms are intense and affecting their functioning in some way (e.g., they're not eating or sleeping).

Traumatic events can be difficult for the entire family, but you don’t have to figure it out alone. If you’re concerned or you’re unsure, don’t wait for things to escalate. Trust your instincts and reach out for a consultation with a licensed mental health professional. When we seek help in moments like this, we’re showing our kids—and others—that it’s not only OK to ask for help, but it also makes us brave and builds our resilience.

Take any thoughts of suicide seriously and address them immediately. Call or text 988 if you or a loved one are experiencing thoughts of suicide, self-harm or any mental health crisis. You can also chat or text for support by downloading the MyGCAL app in the App Store.